3 May 2002


Queen To Rook 1

The QE2 kicked off her Golden Jubilee tour in Falmouth on Wednesday, thus, re-visiting the country just as it was fifty years ago. She then rolled on to Truro for lunch (and possibly a pint and a fag in one of the local hostelries). She then high-tailed it out of Cornwall having spent a whole half a day in the county.

Preparations are already under way for her next visit in another fifty years.

In the meantime, local authorities have denied that she did intend to visit St. Ives but couldn't find anywhere to park and couldn't afford the prices!

Hake, Rattle & Roll

St. Ives will be celebrating the May Day Bank Holiday in the traditional way, i.e. by forcing all the locals to work so that the visitors can enjoy their day off.

Also, there will be a number of ludicrous, laughable and, frankly, quite unfeasible events such as:-

The Blowing of the May Horn (Now you know why we have a Lady mayor!)

The Making and Judging of the May Sticks.

The Beating of the unsuccessful Local Sprogs with the May Sticks.

The Choosing of The May King, Prince and Princess (Gay Rights groups are planning to protest against the lack of a May Queen!).

Dancing around the May Pole.

The Un-stringing of Small Children from the May Pole.

The Stringing-up of Local Councillors on the May Pole by Anti-Bollard Protesters.

A Tug-Of-War between various rival factions for the Last Car-Parking Space.

These bizarre activities will culminate in the legendary lunacy of the Hake Run.

The Hake Run consists of a competition whereby teams of five people are roped together and required to run to 10 different pubs where, at each of which, the team is required to collect a fish and one team member must consume a pint of beer.

There were fears that the Hake Run would be banned this year following an ugly incident at the last event when one team member at the end of the rope passed out unnoticed by the rest of the team who proceeded to drag the unfortunate competitor face down through the streets of St. Ives.

However, when the incident was brought up a spokesman for the event said, 'So, what? It got a big laugh'.

Fraternising With The Enemy?

Some people just have no sense of self-preservation. The St. Ives Literary Society will be meeting next Wednesday to discuss Chekov's Seagull. Angry St. Ives residents say that there's nothing to discuss, just get out the 12-bore and blow it away along with everyone else's seagulls!

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