5 December 2003


Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, WPC No Evil

Bad news (if you are a UN peacekeeper) as it looks like civil war is about to break out in St. Ives.

For many moons now there have been rumblings of discontent from the good citizens of Downlong concerning elements of the local youth who have taken to harassing the aforementioned citizens.

In addition to the unilateral annexing of the Wharf for a 24 hour private skateboarding park the sprogs from hell have been verbally abusing both locals and visitors and trashing the place.

Matters came to a head at a Police Authority Liaison meeting a week yesterday. A local businesswoman (known only to the People's Popular Front For The Liberation Of Downlong as Agent 'H') complained to the police that children are now a law unto themselves in St. Ives. She added that businesses on the Wharf were being affected by visitors' reluctance to cross the Militarised Zone to get into shops and restaurants.

Mayor, Harry Isaacs, added that skateboarders had terrorised the residents of Meadow Flats and a greater (hell even just a) police presence was required. He added that sprogs had taken to playing football along the Wharf and against the properties, bikes were being ridden against the traffic and games of chicken with the cars. Quoth he, "I'm absolutely certain there will be a serious road accident ... Then obviously something will be done!". [Unless the road sweeper is late in which case just ignore that blob of strawberry jam on the road please].

Earlier, when asked for their opinion, a spokessprog for the youthery said, "F*** off!". Then, elaborating further, "We'll f***ing do whatever we f***ing want and you can't do a f***ing thing about it".

The St. Ives Police Obergruppenfuhrer, Ken Wilkins, was about to rubbish all these comments when he was asked to get off his comfy chair and do his job as there was a gaggle of skateboarders trashing the Guildhall forecourt even as the meeting took place.

Later on in the meeting my spies report there was much gnashing of teeth at the performance (or otherwise) of alleged Community Police Bod, WPC Trudi Pitts, who has never seemed remotely inclined to believe that there was any problem with the local kids. Nor, so my spy witnesses report, had she been keeping up to date with local neighbourhood watch. Much muttering and taking of notes then ensued from the committee.

Oddly enough, that very following Sunday a petition was spotted in an Uplong convenience store protesting against alleged plans to transfer WPC Pitiful to another police station. Coincidence or conspiracy?

Of course, the residents of Uplong have a vested interest in the matter as most of the local sprogs live there and so it's better for them if their progeny go and trash somewhere else, i.e. Downlong. Rumours abound that the resis of Downlong are secretly mustering a counter petition to be used in the event of the Uplong petition being deployed. So, with petitions of mass destruction in either camp it is looking like things could get even uglier than Vile Jelly!

Meanwhile, WPC Truly The Pits has nailed her colours to the mast. 'I'm here to represent the whole community', she said promptly organising a rally at the Island Centre for the youths (and their unconcerned parents) only. Should be a fair and open debate with all views represented then!

On the positive side, there only seems to be two likely outcomes as a result of this meeting.

  1. All the sprogs attend, in which case the streets of St. Ives will be safe for an hour or so or

  2. They don't attend, in which case WPC Putz will hopefully run over a skateboarder on the Wharf while driving to the Island Centre and find her police car has been vandalised when she comes out of the meeting.

So, all in all, things are looking pretty ungood. Might as well writing start next week's bulletin now .....

'It was a dark and stormy night when an angry torchlit mob of terrified local residents formed outside the Island Centre .....'

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