12 December 2003


'It was a dark and stormy night when an angry torchlit mob of terrified local residents formed outside the Island Centre .....'

..... and no one else did!

Yes, so concerned were the yoofs of St. Ives that their 'rights' were in danger of being infringed upon that none turned up at the Trudi Pitts 'Save Our Delightful Skateboarders' rally in the Island Centre.

In fact, so great was the concern for the poor little mites that even WPC 'Are You Taking The Pitts?' didn't turn up. The authorities declined to confirm whether she had been delayed on the Wharf by skateboarders smackin' yo' bitch up.

The irony of this situation is that there were eager would-be attendees available. Agents H and P of the PPFLD had asked to attend but had been fobbed off by Inspector Ken Wilkins, who obviously feared a confrontation (or, possibly, given the non-attendance, something to do).

After the non-meeting, Inspector Wilting was invited to report back to the PPFLD on his progress in resolving the issue.

In the face of absolutely no opposition whatsoever to the Downlong residents' complaints that something should be done Inspector Weakling announced, 'There's nothing we can do about it. You're on your own. Bye'.

In the light of this announcement there seems to be two urgent questions concerning the St. Ives police:-

  1. If they can't/couldn't do anything about the situation why did they waste time pretending otherwise by organising this non-meeting and

  2. What can they actually do?

Meanwhile, the petition to appeal against the decision to transfer WPC Pitts, an appeal against a decision that no one except the petitioners seem to know about, continues apace.

In addition to the original petition the conspirators now seem to be trying to broaden their power base with a further campaign to have La Pitts elected as Mayor of St. Ives.

We are certainly all in favour of the latter as, when she is Mayor and can wear her full regalia we will be able to refer to her as Ermine Trudi Pitts!

Vote Now!

Well, if a monkey can get elected as the Mayor of Hartlepool ..... !

Oh For Frock's Sake!

Connoisseurs of con-jobs, patrons of poseurs, sycophants of pseuds and those incapable of working out that the emperor is, in fact, stark naked will be delighted by another triumph of tosh for that annual insult to everyone's intelligence that is the Turnip Prize.

This year's winner of the Coco The Clown Annual Memorial Prize is the not even vaguely legendary psychoceramic*, Grayson Perry. Famously known as 'that person no one has ever heard of', Perry stormed the modern arts world with a radical new approach to pottery known as 'wearing a dress'.

This year's favourites for the Money For Nothing Award had been the slightly less unfamous Crapman brothers, Dinos and Aur. However, it is believed that the voters rallied around Perry's cause as it would piss off the Chaplin brothers' patron, Charles Saatchi, and a man in a dress would get them more publicity.

Nice to see that once more the Turnip Prize is awarded on artistic merit, then!

Meanwhile, further investigation by the Reporting Team has discovered that three substantial blocks of votes went to the Pansy Potter from interest groups due to some confusion in the pre-voting publicity.

Firstly, due to a typo in the paperwork, where he appeared as Perry Grayson, a considerable amount of votes were received from the Raymond Burr Fan Club.

Also, a substantial number of votes were received from visually impaired members of the Generation Game Fan Club, Camp Comedian Chapter.

Finally, a massive number of votes were received worldwide from the Batman Fan Club. This last phenomenon apparently being due to a group of top art critics being overheard to refer to him as 'that dick Grayson'!


Spotted in Truro, one hirsute Leach potter muttering, "Right, two can play at that game", as he headed into the Laura Ashley shop!

* crackpot

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