18 July 2003

Crème De La Crime

Good news for all wrong-thinking people!

On Wednesday night the parents were enjoying a quite evening when local yoofs smashed one of the big top floor windows (fortunately no one near it at the time). A brief enraged dash enabled a citizen's apprehension of several of the culprits, the police were phoned .....

..... and duly turned up two hours later. The policeman that turned up was a probationer who admitted that there weren't actually any police in St. Ives, they were all in Hayle or Penzance.

So, here we are, the schools have broken up, the whole world and his dog are in the process of pouring into town, it is the height of the tourist season and there are no police for miles. During an irate phone call, the bloke allegedly in command, Ken Wilkins, admitted that policing in St. Ives was 'not all that it should be'.

Not all it should be?

It's not anything at all if there isn't anybody on duty in the town!

So, to all visitors coming down to St. Ives we would just like to say:-

"Hand over your wallets, jewellery and car keys and no one will get hurt."

Stand and deliver!

Zap! Pow! Kersplatt!

As mentioned in this week's e-mus, the town has been struck down by a couple of power outages.

There was a lot of thundering and lightninging going on in the area but according to the people who grow the electricity down here the fault appears not to be with the weather but with a cable located .....

..... next to the Sloop!

So, that's why they've been digging that hole that has been playing havoc with the traffic all week.

I told the others in the Slave Pits we should have just dug the escape tunnel a bit deeper instead of trying to saw that thing in half!

Sir Francis Duck?

Hello, humans, it's the Reporting Team here. We just thought we'd tack on this little snippet while VJ is out making the tea.

Absolutely nothing to do with St. Ives at all but it is such a heart-warming story (for cuddly animals) that we just had to mention it.

Did anyone see that story in last week's Sunday Times (might have been in other papers too) about the fleet of plastic ducks that they reckoned were going to invade the east coast of America?

Apparently, they were washed overboard in the Pacific in 1992 and have bobbed their way all the way around the top of Canada, through the Arctic Circle, round Greenland and Iceland and are now heading for the east coast.

Apart from, that is, and this is the bit of a the story we loved, "a breakaway group that is likely to have made for Hawaii"!

Hey, just because you're a rubber duck doesn't mean that you're stupid.

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