20 February 2004


Give Them A Lick Of The Cat

Sad to report that some sadistic loony is on the loose in St. Ives. The aforementioned rectum shot a cat with a .22 airgun at point blank range. The pierced pussy fortunately was whisked to the St. Ives vets who managed to remove the pellet and the fleabag is now hopefully going to make a full recovery.

A spokesfibber for the Police said, 'What do you expect us to do about it? We're the St. Ives Police not some official paramilitary organisation paid to maintain law and order'. However, it was later revealed that as the incident took place at Carnellis Road (where the council housing starts) on Monday (the first day of the school holidays) WPC Pitiful is now rounding up and questioning all the OAPs in town!

Elsewhere in town, the dental surgery on Tregenna Hill had its windows smashed and another shop had its windows smashed and 20+ items of silver jewellery stolen. St. Ives Police say that that have already got a dedicated team searching every possible avenue of enquiry ..... to find some statistics that prove that they are doing a great job.

Tooth Unfairy?

WAFS. It was revealed last week that there is not a single dentist in Cornwall who can take any more NHS patients. A government spokescrony said that immediate steps were being taken to counter this problem by introducing a new range of exceptionally soggy pasties so that locals will not starve to death due to their lack of teeth.

Reign Of Tetra

Despite the efforts of St. Ives town and county councillors the much opposed tetra mast is to go ahead. As reported before, no one in St. Ives wanted the mast except the Police, who presumably wanted it so that they could get Radio 2 on digital.

Let's face it, given their current piss-poor efforts, the mast isn't going to make any different to law enforcement in the town. Unless it accidentally topples over and squashes a passing criminal.

The only silver lining attached to this particular cloud is that by accepting a proposal to bung it on the existing Steeple Woods site it avoided the giant microwaver being stuck at the rugby club.

Be-Trade By Penwith!

St. Ives Town Council are having there attempts to pass a by-law to ban street traders from taking over the Wharf in the summer thwarted by some classic bureaucratic foot-dragging by Penwith District Council.

Having sent off their submission they have now received a letter from PDC asking them to specify what the problem was. Said letter having been sent by the PDC solicitor who unsuccessfully brought a prosecution against a street trader last year!

So enraged by this are the SI Councillors that they have vowed to create a single issue working party to compile all the guff that PDC want to stop them stringing out the whole thing for years on end. It is also rumoured that a second working party is preparing the action plan for presenting the information and request for the necessary by-law to PDC in a scheme currently referred to as Operation Red-Hot Poker!

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