22 February 2002

The Old Pals Network

In a remarkable twist of fate (and as a singular example of this website actually achieving anything), it would appear that the mysterious David Morgan-Fisher was the old friend that the equally mysterious Angie C was trying to track down.

[See E-Mails Section under The Invisible Man, Lost And Found and Fisher's Circle].

Well, as Quentin Crisp would say, bugger me!

Shot Down In Flames!

The anti-Jelly alliance (a.k.a. the rest of the world) will be pleased to know that any brief frisson of pleasure that the Vile One may have felt from the outcome of the above story was rapidly eradicated by crushing humiliation.

Last Friday at the Sloop Meat Draw ceramics sensei, Trevor Corser, introduced Jelly to a friend who was down in St. Ives for a weekend break. The said individual, Mike Slocombe, was witty, charming and intelligent. Unfortunately, he was also an ace website designer and guru. Consequently, it took him all of three nanoseconds of his initial conversation with Vile Jelly to realise that he was talking to an idiot who didn't know the first thing about websites!

Despite that, Mike managed to grit his teeth and get through the night. We suspect that the case of Lowenbrau he won in the Meat Draw may have appeased his sense of disappointment at being introduced to Jelly. (See, it's not just locals who can win the prizes!).

Anyway, thanks to Mike for putting up with old whatshisface during a most entertaining evening and for the technical tips ['end it all now' was probably the most useful]. Also, for allowing me to crib his legal thingies blurb.

If you want to see a proper website why not tune into:-


If you want to design a website that isn't a complete shambles like this one then why not buy his book (the Reporting Team are currently frantically reading it to Jelly):-


Complete And Utter Pants

Shorts-obsessed and short-serving St. Ives councillor, Geoffrey Kennett, is moving to Spain. Kennett achieved a brief moment of local notoriety when he turned up to council meetings dressed in shorts and subsequently, despite popular demand, refused to wear trousers.

"I haven't worn trousers since 1999 when I got married", said Kennett (who may well now be under investigation from the Viagara Abuse authorities!).

He is now emigrating to Spain after the town council introduced a dress code. If nothing else, the whole story shows that at least the council have got their finger on the pulse of crucial local issues.

Ticket To Deride

Following the recent kerfuffles over Bollards-gate, St. Ives Police have announced that they are going to clamp down on cars illegally parked on the Wharf.

If they had done that in the first place would the bollards have been necessary?


Work starts this week on the demolition of the two houses on Wheal Ayr Terrace, which are in danger of collapse due to mine workings beneath the properties.

In a heart-warming story that completely vindicates most people's opinions of our glorious financial institutions the Stevens family in 6 Ayr Terrace have been well and truly stitched up. A surveyor acting on behalf of the NatWest Bank carried out valuation reports in 1985 and 1993 which assured the family that there was no risk of mining subsidence affecting the property.

This led to the family receiving a judgement of £87,000 against the surveyor in Truro Crown Court. Sadly, this was effectively worth bugger all because the offending surveyor had no Professional Indemnity insurance and had transferred all his assets into his wife's name. The surveyor promptly declared himself bankrupt and the Stevens family have received diddly-squat as a result.

The surveyor appeared before a disciplinary hearing of the Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors for failing to maintain his Professional Indemnity insurance. The surveyor was then suspended [that will teach the git!], following which he failed to pay the costs of the hearing and was then dismissed [Oh, apparently not!]. The NatWest bank has refused to discuss the situation.

Well, thank God, that we live in a fair and just society, eh?

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