22 November 2002


Jumpin' Jack Flash

No doubt about it, life in St. Ives really is a gas, gas, gas just now. Having filled everyone's gas pipes with water as a result of the Great St. Ives Flood 2002, Transco are now refusing to reconnect gas supplies to people who's pipes are blocked on the house side of the gas meter.

Apparently, they can deny all responsibility for anything that has buggered up the customer's internal pipes even though all the cack that has got into them did so via Transco's dodgy pipework. Their solution to this problem is to tell the affected people to call out CORGI registered gas engineers who will rarely deign to turn up on time if at all and charge you £100 and more for the privilege of having your pipes cleaned out so that Transco will condescend to re-supply you.

A spokesbod for Transco explained that after the break up of the gas industry they are not able to do any work on the house side of the meter. With a deft demonstration of public relations she went on to describe the whole thing as 'an unfortunate incident'.

Dope Of The Week

Of course, it's always the kids' fault, isn't it? The youth of today, got no respect for the elders, for the law, etc...

Patricia Boyd, a 50 year old mother of five, once resident of Stennack Gardens is now resident of chokey after being banged up for six months for drug dealing. She was caught red-jointed flogging cannabis to a 15 year old schoolboy in her home.

Also, in another classic 'eh what?' moment, the prosecuting counsel said that her charges for the cannabis were extremely expensive and would not be tolerated in the usual market .....

What usual market? And how the hell does he know what the going rate is? Does it quoted in the FT or something?

Never A Dull Moment

As if being flooded wasn't enough, the local Local Plus in Nanjivy Place, got ram-raided (nothing to do with the Shauns, they were tucked up in bed at the time) in the small hours of Saturday morning. The raiders attached a hawser to the main doors and used their vehicle to yank them off. They then pummelled the ATM cash machine into submission and wrestled it into the back of their vehicle before heading off up the Stennack at high speed.

As it happened, the ATM machine was empty so their efforts proved fruitless, especially as I don't think there's much of a second hand market for the machines.

Prepare To Meet They Doom!

At last, some good news.

After a massive public campaign, protest marches, demonstrations and petitions ..... well, OK, just a lot of constant moaning from Vile Jelly, the management (for so they like to think of themselves) at the Sloop have relented and restored Doom Bar  to its rightful place in the pumps of the discerning beer drinker.

The management finally cracked when VJ was able to prove beyond dispute the foulness of the Doom usurper, St. Awful Breweries' Tribute. Once Jelly had managed to fish a pint of Stennack backwash out of the harbour and place it next to a pint of Tribute even the die-hards had to admit that they couldn't tell the difference.

So, you see, I am occasionally useful!

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