17 May 2002


Ticket to Ride

The tourist season kicked off early this year with two St. Ives Residents being abducted and given a less-than-joyous ride in a stolen car. The two men escaped with minor bruising and the car (wrecked) was recovered.

The three perpetrators were subsequently arrested, the last one having to be cornered on Crab Rock by a combination of the police and the inshore lifeboat. An eyewitness described the final moments as 'better than television' instantly showing an intuitive grasp on the seriousness of the situation.

On being informed of the incident a spokesman for the police said, 'Good, god, is it July already?'!

Analysis, Spock?

If anyone can explain the logic in this one, please feel free to inform us.

To deflect the completely deserved criticism that they have received over Bollards-gate, St. Ives Town council have issued an official statement the salient details of which appear to be:-

  1. The bollards were placed as an experimental scheme to provide segregation between pedestrians and moving traffic.
  2. The bollards are not permanent and will probably be replaced by a pavement.
  3. Local businesses will then be allowed to buy permits to cover the pavement with tables and chairs.

If anyone can spot any teensy-weensy flaws in this masterplan to protect the pedestrians ...

Any Port In A Storm

Local residents, already concerned about the illegal dumping of unwanted domestic appliances were horrified on Sunday to see that apparently  someone had decided that Smeaton's Pier would make an excellent spot for a bit of fly-tipping.

Fortunately, what appeared at first sight to be either a prison ship or some nautical version of a skip in fact turned out to be a dredger, the Sospan, which had parked there due to technical difficulties.

The captain of the Saucepan, a M. Le Creuset, explained that they had only stopped off for repairs on the hydraulic ram which operates the dredging doors. The first mate, a Mr. Teflon, also confirmed that the Saucepan would be leaving as soon as they had completed repairs ... ah, and flushed the crew out from under the tables in The Sloop.

dredge2.jpg (48498 bytes) The Sospan fits elegantly into the surroundings.
dredge6.jpg (46412 bytes) No parking problems when you're that big, just run over the locals!
dredge7.jpg (35509 bytes) Children play beside the beached rust-bucket ...
dredge8.jpg (23157 bytes) ... while out in the bay, the Royal Navy task force awaits the re-emergence of the Graf Spee!

Well, What Do you Expect From Hayle?

Confirming St. Iveans' opinions of 'people' from Hayle, a family from that benighted town have been given a good telling off by the police after doing something rather brain-dead.

As pointed out by Liz Ringrose (see E-mails section Holy Exploding Ornaments!) they 'thought' that it would be a good idea to take home as souvenirs some left over WW2 bullets and a hand grenade. The latter was given pride of place on the mantelpiece and the proud owner used to pull the pin out from time to time!

As luck would have it the thing did not actually explode which, while it might be some consolation to the Imbecile family, is a bit of a let-down for the Reporting Team who might have been able to submit their first entry to the Darwin Awards!

A Cunning Plan!

Skateboarders in St. Ives are being invited to a meeting at the Isobar (night club) later this month to hear proposals for a future skateboarding park in St. Ives.

Since most St. Ives skateboarders are under 5 foot and rather squeaky-voiced we suspect that the idea is to fill them up with alcopops after which they will sign up for anything!

We Don't Make These Up, You Know!

Snippet from the paper, we won't even bother finishing the paragraph as the punchline seems fairly self-explanatory!

A former St. Ives postman, Wolfgang Roland Armstrong, appeared before Truro magistrates after dropping his trousers and underpants before a police officer.

Mr. Armstrong, of Court Cocking ......

You Can't Get Enough Of That Duff Stuff

Homer wannabes rejoice. The weekend after this one sees the advent of the year's most keenly anticipated event ... the St. Ives Beer Festival.

The Reporting Team have started queuing already!

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