24 May 2002


Perfidious Albino!

Conclusive proof of the following was produced when an albino tope (small shark) was fished up of the outskirts of Longships:-

  1. The seas are perfectly safe from pollution (and sharks).

  2. You can trust Tony Blair and his mate, Steven Byers.

  3. Fish are animals that nest in trees and eat pencils.

Good As Gulled

In a totally unsurprising incident, a 10 month old baby suffered lacerations to his/her/its fingers as a result of being attacked by a seagull.

We could laugh cynically about this, hardened veterans that we are. It's not that we don't care, far from it. It's just that the laws, the authorities and the do-gooders won't let us do anything about the problem.

If you tuned into last week's update you will have seen that Spooky St. Ives got a mention in a conversation thread on Mike Slocombe's website (Stranger Than Fiction!). If you followed the whole thread from the start to finish you will find that there was a story of some bloke being persecuted (er, I mean prosecuted, I'm sure!) for having stuffed a seagull into a bin after it attacked his sprog and getting roundly criticised for it.

So, the seagulls are allowed to go free, fully protected by the long arm of the law. Unfortunately, your small child's vulnerable bits won't have that privilege.

But, hey, it's what's important that matters, isn't it?

Mayor The Force Be With You

The previous incumbent apparently having failed to recover from multiple dog bites (see The Wild Wild Western!) St. Ives duly (or possibly dully) elected a new Mayor, Joan Tanner.

She celebrated her accession in the traditional St. Ives manner by feeding small children saffron buns and inveigling them to suck the juice from her Loving Cup.

Putting The Boat In

The St. Ives lifeboat, the Princess Royal, was put into Falmouth for running repairs last week. In the meantime the local crew were given a temporary replacement by the RNLI called the Shipwright.

The Shipwrong would have been a more appropriate title as the eponymous vessel promptly developed an engine oil leak on its first outing in anger. Fortunately, the crew were able to retrieve a distressed mariner from the clashing rocks of Godrevy before the problem manifested itself.

However, this meant that on Saturday afternoon, Coxswain Tommy Cocking was informed that he could have a replacement boat instantaneously ..... Once he'd managed to find a hire car to drive all the way to Fishguard to pick it up!

Apologies to anyone who drowned in the meantime but it really wasn't the St. Ives crew's fault.

Queen Of Mean

To regular spookyists this is very much a 'so long and thanks for all the fish' moment.

Apparently, 'Good' Queen Bess has decided to treat herself to a little anniversary party next weekend. So generous is she that she is giving everyone an extra two days off work to enjoy themselves even further.

Everyone except that likes of we unhappy few, who will be required to work morning, noon and night to feed her drunken revellers.

So, if anyone has any pictures/videos/eyewitness accounts of the event, please e-mail them to the usual address because there isn't a rat in hell's chance that we'll get to enjoy any of her party.

Still, think of the money ..... £4.10 per hour makes it all worthwhile doesn't it?

God bless your majesty and thank you for bringing so much misery into my life!

BURP!

The Reporting Team have gone to the St. Ives Beer Festival this weekend. God only knows when what passes for normal service will be resumed!

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