25 April 2003


Getting In A Spot Of Bovril!

For those of you who have bothered reading the Rosewall Hill (No Bed Of Roses!) feature and thought I was joking about the mine shafts .....

Firemen from St. Ives, Penzance and Camborne were called out to Zennor last Wednesday to rescue a heavily pregnant cow which had managed to fall down a disused mineshaft.

Ermintrude was successfully (beef) extracted from the hole and appears to have suffered no adverse reaction to the incident.

Tragedy!

More than a few locals have been infuriated by comments made by St. Ives estate agent, Steve Cross, in an article on West Country living in the Daily Telegraph.

In particular, eyebrows, hackles and, probably, sharp pointy implements, have been raised by his bemoaning of the tragedy that has befallen second-home owners who are being squeezed out of the market because they can no longer afford Penwith's house prices!

The poor buggers.

Come on, everybody, it's time to get your wallets out. Someone get hold of 'Saint Bob' Geldof. Book Wembley for the bank holiday and we'll launch 'Second-Home Aid'. Sing everybody:-

"Feed the rich

Let them know it's summertime?"

OK, to be honest, this hasn't actually been the local reaction. Mostly, it has been "bugger them". 

Well, what do you expect when a lot of the locals have no prospect of ever owning a first home? If you are visiting St. Ives in the near future and you see a man who has been tarred and feathered sitting in the stocks that'll probably be Steve Cross!

Don't forget to throw some rotten fruit at him.

Ho Hum!

Well, Easter came and, thankfully, went. The town filled up to bursting, the traffic gridlocked and everyone got narked about it all.

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

So, lots of the ems (who had driven down to get here) complained about all the traffic clogging up the town. All the people in cars complained about the lack of parking. Everyone complained about the skateboarders who said they didn't get a stuff as they didn't have anywhere else to go. Exhaustive testing proved that there wasn't enough room in town to swing even half a cat and, all in all, a bad-tempered time was had by all at some point or other.

As a result radical new proposals are being put forward such as:-

Closing Downlong to traffic after 10am.

Re-directing traffic to the car parks at the top of town from the Porthminster Hotel.

Building a multi-storey car park.

Building a skateboard park to get the sprogs off the Wharf.

Yes, remarkably these radical new proposals look exactly the same as the previous radical new proposals that get put up every time the town gets busy.

So, in order to save the Reporting Team working their paws to the stuffing constantly putting this article in the news section could you please print out a copy and stick it on your monitor every bank holiday and school holiday period.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Wheels Of Fortune

Talking of the skateboard park, St. Ives Town Council has had a moment of inspiration and are considering bringing a mobile skateboard park to St. Ives.

Pretty cunning, eh?

They could plonk it down wherever. Then, when the sprogs are suitably engrossed doing 'yoof' things we could pull out the chocks and tow it (and them) away up the A30 to somewhere less obtrusive. Like Birmingham!

All's Well That Ends Ale!

Despite the non-appearance of John Freeman (see Tooth Is Stranger Than Fiction in this week's e-mails) at the start of the week the Reporting Team did manage to get a few freebies from their groupies. Thanks to Micky Chambers for the pints of Doom Bar he left behind the bar while I was incarcerated in the Slave Pits. Some day soon I hope to find where the bar stewards hid them!

Apparently, there may have been other SSI groupies in the vicinity. Rumours abound that other people (as opposed to the usual police, psychiatrists and social workers) were looking for me. Unfortunately, as you may know my chances of being out of the Slave Pits during busy periods are not great so if any of you are looking for me you can always leave a message with the bar stewards. Just remember to talk slowly, clearly and try to use words of one syllable or less!

Otherwise I tend to end up getting messages like:-

Someone was looking for you the other day.

Did they say who they were?

No.

Did they say what they wanted.

Not really.

Did they leave any message.

I don't think so.

Did they say whether they'd be back.

Not that I remember.

In that case, thank you for bringing me this invaluable message. It has really made my day.

I am then forced to lie awake in the small hours of the morning wondering who it might have been and whether it was anything important.

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