25 October 2002

A Useful Thing?

Lordy, it's hard to write all this stuff and keep it in working order. I don't know if anyone out there in the real world is finding it hard to find out what's new or changed amid all this mass of meandering mental musings but just in case you are I have slightly amended the home page to (hopefully) let you use a useful little thingy (which I use to keep track of updates on my fav websites).

The theory is that if you use the little prog on the home page and it will then bung you an e-mail when the site gets updated (assuming I remember to update the 'last updated' column!). The e-mail will contain a link to take you straight to the Spooky St. Ives home page and then you should just need to scoot down the 'last updated' column to see what's got the most recent date against it.

Just type your e-mail address in the box provided and press the 'OK' button. You will then be taken to a pop-up screen which will ask you to enter the URL address of the page you want to monitor. It's http://www.spooky1.com/ if you want to type it in manually or you can just copy and paste it in, either from here or the address bar in your browser (the big long box under the File/Edit/etc menus and tool bar icons if your using Internet Explorer). It will then take you to a page which will ask you if you want to subscribe to various e-mail blurbs but you can just hit the skip button if you're not interested. And th-th-th-that's all folks!

Well, that's the theory anyway!

25 October 2002


[Hi, humans, it's us the Reporting Team. We're having to do all the work on the News Bulletin this week due to Vile Jelly being incapacitated as a result of the incident below1].

Half-Term Holly-Days!

Well, well, as the woman sewing the nun's clothes said, this could become a habit!

No sooner had Ed Care rode off into the Texas sunset than Jelly got a call up in the kitchen saying that yet another Spookyist was downstairs looking for him. It turned out to be none other than St. Eia's number one fan, Holly Chambers [See E-Mails Section - The Holly And The Jelly]. And that wasn't the only surprise in store that night!

holly1.jpg (51256 bytes) Holly settles in at the Sloop, closely guarded by two shadowy heavies identified only as 'Mum' and 'Dad'.

Firstly, she presented him with a new addition to the Reporting Team who has been immediately put in charge of security, staff protection and keeping Jelly under the cosh.

Folks, meet Bert, the singing and dancing ninja hamster. He twirls his nunchukas and bobs and weaves while singing Kung Fu Fighting (which makes him at least three times more talented than Vile Jelly).

Bert does his thang, leading the Reporting Team in a spot of community singing (and kung fu). hamster1.jpg (45367 bytes)

Meanwhile, the Reporting Team were regretting putting the Shauns in charge of arranging the evening's entertainment. "Football! ... rugby! ... football! ... rugby! ..."

And then, seeing the similarity in colour schemes, they came to the conclusion that the balls were, in fact, sheep eggs and decided to sit on them all night to see if they hatched.

So, the rest of the Reporting Team ended up down the Sloop, where the Sonics drank everyone else under the table (as usual) and Monkey had a go on the fruit machine and lost a fortune (as usual)!

While all this was going on, Vile Jelly was being stretchered out of the pub after Holly had sprung her second surprise on him ... She brought him a dead jellyfish! The resemblance to Vile was uncanny, like two non-identical clones.

jellyfish1.jpg (213301 bytes) "Oh my god, it's Uncle Frank!" shrieked the Vile One as he collapsed in a dead faint.

Ton Up

When humans hit the big 100 they get a telegram from the Queen. However, this week when Spooky St. Ives got its hundredth (publishworthy) e-mail the Queen was unavailable so the now semi-legendary Andrew Macdonald did the honours.

And it's a belter!

You'll definitely want to pour yourself a drop of the good stuff and savour this one which lurches, alarmingly and unpredictably, between such topics of conversation as the truth about Smeaton's Pier, a brassica insurrection, the Lincoln Prison riots and what really happened with St. Eia!

The only possible explanation for this extraordinary exchange of kafka-esque e-mails must be that it rained an awful lot during the week!

If You Go Down To The Woods Today

The Shauns here, reporting that Steeple Woods (round the Knill Monument for the uninitiated) has become the first nature reserve in Penwith. However, we anticipate that it is now likely to be Spring (when the weather warms up) before naturists start flocking there to enjoy the place. (And other humans flock there to enjoy the naturists).

Or is that something different?

I'd Rather Go Blind ...

Well, we thought the Tate had reached the nadir with the last load of pants they put on but the new expedition has left local critics and connoisseurs plucking their eyeballs out and committing suicide in an attempt to find any excuse to avoid being dragooned into going to see it.

It's nothing but ...

Actually, it's nothing and it's nothing but a load of video art by such notorious wasters as Tracy Eminem and Steve McQueen. ["Thought he was dead" - Flat Eric. "Well, if he isn't he will be when we catch up with him." - The Sonics]

So, if obscure camera angles and extreme close ups of naked black men wrestling is your bag, good luck, but for everyone else paintings will be returning to the Tate at the next expedition opening on January 4 2003.

It's going to be a long, dark winter.

Hammered Horror!

Talking of which, Halloween is almost upon us. A day (and night) that strikes terror in the hearts of even the Reporting Team! ..... It's Jelly's birthday.

Obviously, being born on Halloween explains a lot but one mystery still remains:-

According to legend, children born on Halloween are stolen by goblins who place one of their own babies in the cot in its place. The goblin baby then grows up to be a changeling. However, when questioned under duress, Jelly's mother admitted that although she had left baby Jelly out on the doorstep all night he remained depressingly unkidnapped.

Apparently, even goblins have standards.

However, you should be able to enjoy Halloween with the ghosties and ghoulies in relative peace as, if his previous form is anything to go by, the Vile One will probably be reduced to his naturally limp and quivering jelly form when he is forced to quaff potions of inebriation top render him harmless to the rest of the populace.

Expect next week's bulletin to be late (and blurred)!

PS. Candid Advice For Young Children:-

If you are out and about on Halloween doing a spot of trick-or-treating, please note that while it is all right to allow yourself to be nabbed by the ghosties, never let yourself be grabbed by the ghoulies!

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