13 June 2003

Haute Kulture

Anybody who thinks that I am the only fruitcake in St. Ives is indulging in wishful thinking and, hopefully next bulletin, about to be given a traditionally hospitable St. Ives rude-awakening!

If you check into this week's e-mails you will discover a missionary missive, a pointful plea and an incisive instruction from Janet Bentley [see The Question A Tissue! ]. 


Well, the Reporting Team when faced with such a challenge responded immediately. Obviously they needed to get their paws/hoofs/appendages on such a publication. They didn't hesitate to act .....

..... "VJ," quoth they, "Twelve more pints of Doom Bar, a Banana Daiquiri for the Soup Dragon and go and get hold of one of they there publications."

As luck would have it, while I was ordering the trough of drinks for them I bumped into Rod Bullimore, founding member of Kulture Brake and one of the chief perpetrators of the Little Tissue.

"Have you got a copy I can purchase and can I blag it for the website," I enquired.

"In answer to your three questions," he replied, "Yes, yes and I'll have a pint of Old Speckled Hen, cheers."

Negotiations successfully completed, I hope to promulgate the Little Tissue as soon as the Reporting Team get back from the pub. (Hopefully next week).

In the meantime you can tune into their website at http://www.littletissue.co.uk

Down Amongst The Dead Men

Following an e-mu from Deborah Clark (see Navigating By Dead Reckoning in the E-Mails Section who has been suffering grave difficulties the Art Is Where The Home Is has been updated to include directionlets for Alfred Wallis' grave in Barnoon Cemetery.

North By South-West!

For those of you left thirsting (for information) after the 2003 Beer Festival feature I can now reveal that the CAMRA Cornwall Pub of the Year is ......

The North Inn, Pendeen

If anyone wants to subsidise the Reporting Team send them some loot and they will go and do a report on it for you.

Failing that, you tight-fisted gits, you'll just have to wait until the RT get paid for their paper-round and VJ gets his walking feet back on again.

Jumpin' Jack Flash?

It's a gas, gas, gas ..... 


It is claimed that catering staff at St. Ives Skool are believed to have been poisoned by a carbon monoxide leak from the decrepit boiler system. The headmaster of the asylum declined to comment saying the matter should be referred to Cornwall County Council who said ..... 'yes the boilers were leaking too much Carbon Monoxide and Dioxide and had since been isolated to prevent any further problems'.

A spokesmen for the sprogs said that it made a refreshing change for the providers rather than the recipients of skool dinners to be turning blue and passing out!

Rhine, Women And Song

Do we actually have any German readers out there in the real world? Or anyone who knows a bit about the ol' Fatherland?

If so, can someone please try to explain why, recently, we've had a town full of Teutons and a bay full of battleships? Even the RN and the Coastguard have had to admit that they have no idea why half the German Navy suddenly deployed in St. Ives Bay last week and every coach seems to bring another flock of ambling aryans. At the minute, English (cough, spit!) is very much the second language of St. Ives and we're thinking of ditching the current Sloop offerings in favour of bratwurst and Beck's!

What is going on in Germany? Why have they all left and come here? We just don't know but if anyone does, we'd be fascinated to know.


Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot can rest easy knowing that the torch of incisive criminal protection has now passed to the local police.

On Monday thieves broke into the workers' compound at St. Uny Church, Lelant, which was currently undergoing vital restoration work on the roof.

This, of course, would be extremely depressing news if it weren't for the fact that we can be confident that the local police have got this one taped. After the thieves made off with between 6 and 7 Tons of Cornish slate PC Matthews of the St. Ives police said:-

"A vehicle must have been used."

So, we can expect arrests at any minute and we'll all be able to sleep easier knowing the investigative might that protects us!

Don't Make Yourself At Home!

OK, OK. I know you all accuse me of gratuitous emmet-bashing and I promise to try and be nice to them but .....

.....at least allow me one last blast of the trumpet.

In case you have (and you know you have) been thinking that we just publish unsubstantiated stories to justify a 'them and us' stance I will bow out with a completely factual report.

According to a study by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation (just published under the title "Can Work Can't Buy" - no idea where you can get a copy from) Penwith is the least affordable place in Cornwall for house-buyers and is among the top 40 in the whole of England.

To quote the author of the report, Lord Best:-

"If existing home owners living in those districts want local hospitals, care homes, schools and police stations to be properly staffed, they can no longer ignore the case for more housing."

Well, who did you think provided all those amenities for you, the Chelsea jet-set?

Jim McKenna, Penwith's Chief Executive Officer said:-

"At the moment we have 80 families in B&B accommodation and 1,200 people on our housing waiting list, precisely because of the lack of affordable housing in the district."

At present affordable houses are being built in the Penwith area at the rate of 70 a year. So, assuming nobody else is going to need one in the next 17 and a half years or so the problem will sort itself, won't it?

Of course, if you're rich enough, you can just move down with your own doctor/dentist/teacher/care worker/ambulance driver/fireman/etc.

Oh, hang on, who's going to pull your pint/cook your meal/run your shop/rescue you from the sea, etc?

Might have to re-think that one.

Until next week ..... Auf wiedersehen, mes amis!

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